Hello Internet

I wish you all a happy New Years. Welcome to 2019. I have deleted all social media and soon my website will die as well. It was a joy for me attempting to create something out of nothing and showing you my failures and successes. As a New Years resolution I have taken the liberty to delete all social media. I want to try living without a constant audience watching me. I permanently deleted my facebooks, deleted the Instagram/Snapchat/reddit apps, and soon my website itself will go offline around the 18th of January. This will be the end of oedema5, but I am a Phoenix and it is part of the nature of my life to be guided by change. I will grow and digress, live and die, see and not see. 

 

As for my upcoming real life adventures, I am on academic probation because I failed 4/5 classes last semester. I am leaving my desktop at my parents and really going to put 110% into this next semester. Last semester I put in 100% and it simply wasn’t enough. I need to put in more than I can give. I will suffer and it will hurt, but I will also prosper and feel great. I take a variety of classes next semester and will use piano and lessons as an anchor for my psyche. I am also talking to a girl from back home, hopefully she is the one. She will be 4 hours from me for a few months so we will test our patiences once again. 

 

After this semester and the summer, I will hopefully pass my classes and earn an associates in general studies. After that I am not 100% sure where my life will branch off to, but I have been discussing joining the Air Force with friends and family so that may be a path I will take. 

 

To grow prosper, I wish you all the best. 

 

-Oedema5  

Freethink

I’m frustrated with life. I want a girlfriend, a fwb, or anybody I can just cuddle with and fall asleep with at night. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of making myself cum. I wanna make a lover come. My ex still haunts me in my dreams. I can’t get her out of my head. It seems every girl is unattracted to me. Tinder isn’t working, Hinge isn’t working, DMing girls on Facebook and Instagram isn’t working...my FWB from back home stopped talking to me...nobody wants anything to do with me. I’m fucking pathetic. I try to be a dominant alpha male and end up coming off as forcing and pushy. I can’t even read a book without constant thoughts of why I have such a shit personality and how to fix myself. I feel broken all the fucking time. Life is actually dog shit. All my finger nails are bitten down to the cutical because I’m a nervous wreck. I honestly wish I would just have a stroke and die instantly and painlessly.    My mind is an echo chamber of bullshit negative thoughts and I’m too delusional to figure out how to stop them. Just make it stop. I want all the noise to be gone. I want a quiet mind. Too much chatter. Too much noise. I can’t turn it off. What if I can turn it off? Do I have the will power? Can I flex my brain and shut the voices off just like that? No I can’t that’s fucking stupid. I’m cursed and condemned to a miserable life with this psyche. My psyche is fucked, broken, shattered, unusable. Kill me god. Kill me. 

Why 2018 Was Horrible

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Let me tell you why 2018 was mostly horrible. In the earlier part of the year, I was working at an Applebee’s and studying at a local university. It was super stressful, I was barely making enough money to pay for rent and gas. I got food if I was lucky. Then I started finding tiny bed bugs. I called an inspector and he said there was no problem. A month later there was more and more bed bugs and I couldn’t sleep anywhere in my house because of severe paranoia of these bugs crawling on me and sucking my blood. I called another inspector and he said there’s a serious infestation. I called my landlord (I was sharing a house with a girl and a guy at this time) and the landlord said it’s not his responsibility. So I fought through it until finals and after finals I packed everything and left. I said fuck the lease entirely and moved back in with my parents for the summer. 

During that summer I calculated I could afford high speed internet that would allow me to livestream from May through August. That summer I clocked over 300 hours of live-streaming, often doing 8 hour shifts regularly. I ended that summer with 100 followers, no donations, no profit, etc. I also started this website around May. 

 

Then fall comes around. I moved 4 hours away from home back to the university I attended in 2016 in an effort to finish my degree. I don’t know anybody so I got a random roommate. I genuinely put in 100% effort that semester and ended up failing 4/5 classes. I attended piano practice everyday too. The big factor that made me fail my classes was my faggot roommate. This incel straight up only ate potatoes, was a hardcore pc gamer, and had no sleep schedule. I would go to bed at 9pm and he would be up until 6 am playing whatever the fuck he was and the constant mechanical keyboard typing is what was annoying. I talked to the RAs and they said my only option was to change rooms and I didn’t want to do that in the middle of the semester. After about two months of doing my best I ended up cracking and said fuck school fuck my roommate and I just started playing games all night to escape the bullshit. My roommate was literally torturing me. How can anyone sleep when someone is smashing a mechanical keyboard 5 feet away from you?! 

 

Fuck my faggot roommate and fuck 2018. 

 

Life as a Conscious Being

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I am a being. I have some level of consciousness. I am aware that I am at this spot on the Earth’s globe. I know this from observing maps and studying geology, but I would be more assured of my awareness if I took a spaceship into outterspace, outside of the exosphere. That’s why it’s one of my dreams to first hand experience leaving the exosphere during my lifetime, it would make me a “more reassured conscious being.”

 

-O

Tough Spot

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I don’t know how I am doing. There is no measuring tool to know if I am being efficient with my time and energy and making good decisions. I am clueless. 

Sometimes I want everyone to go away. Leave me alone. Let me explore my psyche. It’s socially awkward in the West to even bring up meditation in conversation let alone seeing it in person. You have to hide and lick the doors in your room if you want to try to meditate in peace. 

Hey guys, I’m alive. My heart beats, my inhalation systems work. I’m semi-aware of my surroundings. Just wanted to let you know. 

I’m likely losing my mind. I failed 4/5 classes last semester, now on academic probabtion...which is funny because I can genuinely say I was putting in 110% the first two months of the semester. Too bad my roommate was typing on his mechanical keyboard constantly at weird hours of the night so I didn’t get much sleep at all this last semester. Now I’m on Christmas break spending a few weeks in Kentucky and Indiana. Been hitting the wax pen non-stop at my dads. Barely any internet out here I’m trying not to go insane 

I sometimes honestly just do not want to speak ever again and just communicate by playing an instrument...it’s too bad I can’t carry it with me more places. I dream often of buying a baby grand for my house I may own some day. Would buy a piano over a new car right now. Anyways, peace. 

Insight On Life’s journeys

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Last time I hit a dab off the crack pipe I had smoked so much I was convinced my heart stopped and I had to pay a $500 ambulance bill. I genuinely thought my heart stopped and my entire life flashed before my eyes. And then I started thinking about what life could have been. Ever seems I imagined my dream life I have been chasing it non-stop over a year now. 

 

What at is my dream you might ask. My dream is that I be my own boss, the pilot of my own life. But literally, be my own boss. I want to own a brand that is a reflection of my psyche and thus ever generating. With the soon replacement of all menial jobs with Artificial Intelligience, I predict personal brands will be the new big thing. The tricky thing is neither of my parents support this endeavor of mine to live out my dream of being paid to be alive and share thoughts and ideas. I mention “content creator” to the physical public and they spew millennial stereotypes onto me.  

 

I am truly lost in this world I am in and my only map is this dream. If I die a slow, painful and poversh life because of it, well I think it would still be worth chasing. 

Untitled

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I am a seed in the dirt. I’m not from the a commercial industrial human farm, nor from a private wealthy human farm, but a casual laidback farm where whatever happens...happens. I am a seed of the public. I want to grow grow grow. I feel so dumb in the process. My goals are unclear but my intentions are. Make enough money to retire by 30. Balancing “doing what I want” vs “doing what I should” is a skill I am desperately trying to master. I feel lost walking aimlessly in the void, hoping to step on a leaf of luck.

This December and Early January will be dedicated to aggressively advertising my website since I am away from my studio. Planning to leave my studio equipment in a warehouse this next semester as I am going to focus on piano lessons and school. Will continue blogging and uploading piano videos and whatever else! 

 

 “Do not go gentle into that good night “

 

Pilot

This blog is to share more about my real life experience. I understand there is a grey area between virtual and non virtual life so I will do my best to talk about the non virtual aspects. To keep this blog interesting I will also try to discuss only recent things on my mind. I will do my best to give you the best version of my truth. Let’s get started.

I’m not sure who will read this blog or where they are from. You could be a fucking alien from a different galaxy for all I know. I am a human being, or just a being. I am going for an associates in general studies at a university and this is my third year in college.

So what do I do in real life? This is a real life blog after all…Well its hard to describe is because everyday is different. I sometimes follow a daily routine, other times I have no routine at all. Two months ago I was going to bed at 9 p.m. everynight. These past few weeks I’ve been up as late as 4 a. m.

It is really hard to conceptualize my life cause I am still attempting to make sense of it. It seems my depression is like an ocean wave, each crest and trough being roughly two months in length. Either two months of consistency, progress, and contentment or two months of chaos, self-destruction, and suicidal thoughts.

I haven’t been to class in two weeks. I lost my iphone two weeks ago too. I have no real life friends. I don’t socialize with anyone except for strangers on the internet. Walking by other people makes me feel hated and unwanted. I’ve been smoking my marijuana vape about every 2 and a half hours for about 8 days straight now. I’m high right now while writing this. I practice piano everyday at noon, though I havn’t been in a few days because it’s starting to become winter here.

So what do I do in real life? This is a real life blog after all… Well I only drink water and do not drink coffee or alcohol. I am trying to maintain a carnivore diet (which is hard because my cafeteria feeds me like a prisoner). I wear only black and white with as little brand logos as possible. Usual outfit is black socks, black/white nike sandals, black joggers, black t shirt, and black sweatshirt.

My Four Voices

The Narrator

This is the internal voice that narrates my life. “I am typing this blog right now.” If I have a big ego my narrator might be in third person such as “Nick takes a big swig of his bottled water.” Mine isn’t usually in third person. This voice is my mind making sense of the external world using the variety of senses I have. Here is the senses wikipedia. They say we possibly have 21 different senses that our brain uses to evaluate the world. I am curious, if I lost my narrator voice would I still be “self-aware?” The narrating voice seems to be a driving factor for self-awareness.

The Questioner

Fuck this voice. This voice is the most broken one I have. The questioner, it questions what I observe. “Why am I feeling sad?” “Why don’t I ever get invited to parties?” “Do the arrangement of atoms that form my being ever come back together after decomposition?” “Is this website a stupid idea and a waste of my time?” “Are people going to start calling me a delusional schizophrenic after mentioning voices in my head?” You can see how this could get annoying, but this voice drives discovery and innovation. Curiosity and anxiety drive this voice for me. I want to know why things are the way they are.

The Simulator

This can either be my best friend or my worst nightmare. The simulator is the voice in my head that predicts and “simulates” probable outcomes of hypothetical events. Best way I can describe this is thinking of a time I was driving to an interview. I bet I was imagining what the interviewer would ask me and maybe how I would introduce myself, all of this being based on preconceived notions and judgments. Often my simulating voice is making pretend conversations with people to “prep” me for social interaction. Let’s say I see a cute girl and want to talk to her, I’ll probably have simulated what I want to say and how I want to say it maybe three or four times before actually approaching her. If the conversation goes nothing how I’d expect then I would be forced to improvise, which is a skill in itself.

The Recollector

This is driven by memory. The Recollector is the song hook that’s stuck in my head. It’s the memories of times spent with my ex-girlfriend that come back to haunt me, or previous life traumas. I say this is a voice because often times it is someone else’s voice in my head. A singer or a person that said a nice or mean comment to me, those things tend to echo in my head while my brain tries to make sense of it. Sometimes I can catch myself adopting someone else’s voice as my own, which can be very troublesome if it is not aligned with my own values. The Recollector is a pretty useful tool though. If I previously failed, I could recollect my experience from that failure and learn from it, do something different. Idiocracy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Until next time, take it easy!

-Oedema5